Beach Fouls

Right now, on a beach, any beach, your beach it is happening right now!  I will bet my life that right now, the unspoken rules of proper dress is being completely discarded, at your beach, any beach, some beach. 

I’m not talking about the bikini or guys with their shirt off.  The beach is a place for that kind of attire.  What I am talking about are the people who over do it (or in this case under do it).

I have narrowed down the top five stereotypes of people who is in need of a beach makeover.

1.    Fat chick with a two-piece.

It’s just no fair to a male in his sexual prime to be privy to this.  A large pale woman, stuffing her underbelly into her bikini bottoms that only pops out after walking to the sand.  They jiggle and they wiggle while they sunbath their stretch marks trying to get tan, only to turn those ugly marks an uglier red marks. 

While in the water, the fat chicks in a two-piece, is a site to see, if you know what to look for. 

They’re in the water.  They’re in the water.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

BOOM!!! A huge wave hammers these girls, fall down, and there goes their TOP! 

That’s right.  The small bikini top, that was sagging to begging, couldn’t take no more tugging, stretching, pulling and it finally gives in and lets the “Big Girl’s” TATA’S out for the whole world to see. 

In her surprise, she try’s to gather herself and adjust her triple E’s, with nipples pointing toward her toes, back into her bikini top and then finally sits her fat ass down on the beach to catch her breath.

If she would have just worn appropriate attire this fiasco could have been avoided and my penis wouldn’t be frightened. 

Fat ladies, I love you, but wear a one piece and some shorts!

2.    Crack heads in a bikini.

Okay!  For me, this is a new one but I feel this deserves to go right on the list.  For some reason, crack head ladies flock to the beach.  I mean to be honest, when I looked around and saw this, my first thought was: I saw more meat on them kids you can sponsor for a dollar a day.

Ladies, you look bad.  My only advice for you all is:

STOP SMOKING CRACK!

 And

STOP SMOKING CRACK!

God damn, either put on some clothes or go eat something, then come to the beach half naked.

3.    Fat guy with no shirt on.

Okay, within the “keeping it real” mode.  I fit into this category.  I have been known to go shirtless, on the beach; but I do it tastefully.  I don’t walk around like an idiot watching my belly jiggle while I walk on my heels.

I understand that it’s not cool to get into the water with a shirt on, but it is uncooler to walk the boardwalk in flip-flops and you belly hangs past your bicycle shorts.  It’s really not cool.

These fat guys give fat guys like me a bad name.  Damn!  I can’t even wear a “wife beater” shirt without feeling that I under dress; so I wear a t-shirt.  In the mean time, I see these fucking ogres strut with no self-dignity.

I watch them waddle down the boardwalk, to the ice-cream stand to get a large ice cream with jimmies on it and a funnel cake!

Meanwhile, I’m sucking in my gut and only drinking water!

And it’s all because of you!  You fat pieces of shit.

You guys have no self-respect, no dignity, and keep me from enjoying my time, at the beach.  Here I am excited about losing 20lbs. and I have to watch you eat 20lbs.

To Hell with you.

My advice to you is, stay away from the beach unless you have on a t-shirt or sweater.

4.    Fit guy that shows shaft.

Holy shit, this fucking guy!  I hate this 300 looking character for two reasons!

One, I am so pissed off that I’m not as fit as this Bally’s Total Fitness member.  I admit, every Christmas, for my birthday when people ask what I want, when I make a wish, I always ask for abs.  Unfortunately it seems that no one wraps them up for my birthday present and Santa forgets to leave them in my stocking.

So, these guys that throw the football, have gel the hair, and do all that shit you seen on old episodes of Baywatch or Top Gun.

The second reason I hate these self-absorbed Adonis’s is a term I’m coined called shaft cleavage. 

Look at it.

Sound it out.

It’s self-explanatory.

Ever since Diangelo and Marques Houston went naked on their music videos, this has become a trend.  Grown ass men sagging their board short showing their pubs then lower to show the base of their shaft.

I don’t want my little nieces to see that.

I don’t want my little nephews to see that.

I don’t want any little children seeing that.

Dude for real, cover that up; I swear on God, Allah, and Oprah I hope one day one of these guys showing shaft cleavage walks by a homosexual and they grab their junk.

It will serve you right, you self-indulging pricks!!!!

5.    Chick with the tattoo by her vage.

Now although these chicks show bad etiquette, they just happen to be my favorite.

These are the girls with the thick thighs, junk in the truck, and wear the two piece that cover nothing!!!  These girls are built for the two-piece. 

It doesn’t matter how hard you watch or long you wait, nothing pops out!  However, when you explore, with your eyes, you find it.  It maybe small, it maybe subtle, it may be spotted from a mile away, but it’s always in the same place.

Upper left thigh crease.

Usually a star, name, or rose.

It pokes out of the bottom of the bikini hip line.

I spot that tattoo and my mind says three things.

Stripper?

Hooker?

Both?

These girls strut their stuff all up and down the beach.  I never know what they look like, in the face, because I never get that far but even though I give three cheers to them.  The floozies inside give them a place on my unexcused etiquette list.

Simple fix for these girls, cover up the slutty tattoo.

So, right now either you are categorizing yourself in these categorizes or you are giving me praise for this list.

Where do you rank on my list?

Do you have bad beach etiquette?

Is there a group of misfits I missed?

Let me know.  To me, these were the ones that really grinds my gears.  I guess that’s why I don’t take my fat ass to the beach very much.